So i'm feeling alright today. Yesterday was a hard day for me. I guess i was just in one of my moods. I'm feeling good in the sense that i am in a good mood about things right now. At least.
But on a couple things. I know that i have been handed things all my life, with out ever having to pay them back, or deal with them on my own. And it has always been that way. I beleive that it has made me a selfish person and made me look at life a completely different way than some one who wasnt handed everything. Sure, i could change, but i havent. And thats my choice. And i dont really have the resorses to do so right now anyway. I have been looking for a job, Everyday. In the last week i have filled out over 30 applications for places that i've never even heard about, just so i could start paying my own way. And when i call them back, they are upset because "thats not the way it works" any more. You dont call and fallow up a Online application for some reason. So i am trying. And i do want to be independant and do things on my own. I want to be able to live in my own appartment, And pay for my own things, and actually feel like an adult. But right now, it cant happen. And i am just going to continue to keep trying.
Some people dont get to see the way i beat my self up that i am still living with my parents and still depending on them. It upsets me everyday. Wheather anyone beleives that or not is there choice. But i do hate it.
As for school, $6,000 doesnt get me into school. that may be hard to believe but my medical assistant program costs 27,000 plus uniforms. Which 6,000 is far from that. My surgery was origonally a gift from grandma hoping that it could help me on my way to becoming a heathyer and better person. Yeah that 6000 could have givin me a gym membership and much more, and i know that now. It may not have cost ME any money, But it cost me alot more. The pain and horrible pain at that i had to suffer with, Plus the fact that there are now problems with me that i would have never had. Which in one way isnt my fault and another way is my fault. Because i didnt look into it a bit more like i should have, and i know that it was a huge mistake. But its a mistake that i have to live with. I'm not going to let it haunt me or fallow me the rest of my life that the money was waisted, and my grandma and i have talked about it, and there are no hard feelings over the money, because we made the mistake in not looking farther into the matter, and there is no way to get that money back, so there is no reason fighting, or pushing on the matter any more. Its over with and done. And nothing can be done about it.
It does bother me that I was spoiled all my life, because it did turn me into this kinda person. But its the person i am, that i hope to change one day. I hate that me and Jay wernt treated equally but, thats really not my fault. I dont know why dad did what he did back then, i dont know why dad does ANYTHING he does. And i really dont know what happened to Jay growing up because i was little. But i know that Jay deserved to be treated just as well as me. And wheather anyone wants to admit it or not, it has to hurt them. I Love my family to death, but we are far from perfect. We are clear on the other side of perfect as a matter of fact. But we cant fix the past, all we can do is work on making our future a great future. I've learned from others mistakes and my own. Which in the end makes anyone a better person. Out of everyone Jay and I are almost the only ones who havent been arrested or been out doing drugs, or thrown our lives down the drain because drugs are so much more important. And with that i believe that we have both become better people just because of that :) Especally Jay. Because hes grown into an amazing person, and amazing husband, an amazing father, an amazing brother. :) I couldnt ask for a better one!
I guess with all that, All i am trying to say......Its the past is the past, and can never be changed. Our Attention should never be focused on the past, It should be focused on the future :)
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